Last night I learned that the greatest things to work towards is a life lived for myself and that travel is the greatest opportunity I can afford.

I learned that from the two (yes I got a repeat lesson last night, in a sort of "this is The Universe trying to tell you something" kind of way) most annoying tenants in the building.



One of them sold me an SLR camera for $40. It smells like cigarettes.



I'm going out of town tomorrow to visit oily. I'm excited. And nervous. For a hell of a lot of reasons that people who've made friends on The Internet and have gone through the process of meeting them for the first time will understand.



I'll take some photos while I'm out. Digital and analogue.

Another time of reflection.



Another Post In Lieu Of Actual Content
You know how sometimes people on your friends list post about stuff going on in their life, and all of a sudden you think "Wait a minute? Since when are they working THERE? Since when are they dating HIM/HER? Since when?" And then you wonder how you could have missed all that seemingly pretty standard information, but somehow you feel too ashamed to ask for clarification because it seems like info you should already know? It happens to all of us sometimes.

Please copy mine below, erase my answers putting yours in their place then post it in your journal! Please elaborate on the questions that would benefit from elaboration! One-Word-Answers seldom help anyone out.

1. Name:
THE MAN WITHOUT A NAME

2. Age:
22 border lining on 23.

3. Location:
Toronto, Ontario, Canada. Smells a mighty foul.

4. Occupation:
Part-time Security Guard.
Part-time Vandal.
Part-time Independent Scholar.

5. Partner:
It's a seeeeeeecret~~

6. Kids:
None that I know of!

7. Brothers/Sisters:
One older brother. He just moved back in over the weekend, so things are a little cramped at the moment.

8. Pets:
I still want a black cat.

9. List the 3-5 biggest things going on in your life:
1. I have a night-shift job as a security guard in a run down apartment building full of drug-addled weirdos. It's actually kind of boring!
2. I'm saving up money for a Working Holiday Visa to Japan. The leave date is pretty tentative at the moment, and there's some personal things I need to sort out... hopefully I'll have another travel partner rather than the one that's supposed to go with me currently.
3. It's a seeeecret~~~

10. What did you go to school for?
Still haven't gone to school. I have a general idea of what arts-related programs I want to get into, just how to afford it (and learn the proper languages...).

11. Parents:
Both Parents are still alive. My mother got laid off of work a couple of months ago and it's really getting to me. My step-father, who I pretty much consider my real dad, just had major surgery done to solve a problem with his prostate. They're both spending a lot of time at home, which is making things hard, what with the recent addition of my brother.

12. Close Friends:
The BEST OF THE BEST is still oily, or Noa/Rae. It's no surprise--my other friends have been jumping back and forth, making themselves scarce or reappearing out of nowhere. It's nice to have someone who has been so consistent with their kindness.
kalmiaxxi has been really supportive and entertaining, after being MIA for so long.
sanophale went back to school, so I haven't seen much of him lately.
cabsy... WoW... but we still talk and it's still entertaining.


Now you know me again.

There's a hole in my skull where the evil spirits are let out.

I arrived early for another 12 hour shift.


[07:45] AZERAPHAEL0: I actually have doubts about him being a drug dealer
[07:46] kalmiaXXI: Why's that?
[07:46] AZERAPHAEL0: Odd thing happened last night.
[07:46] AZERAPHAEL0: I passed by his apartment while on patrol
[07:46] AZERAPHAEL0: And just then he was leaving
[07:46] AZERAPHAEL0: He asked me if I wanted to buy a camera from him
[07:46] AZERAPHAEL0: A pentax.
[07:46] AZERAPHAEL0: 35mm
[07:46] kalmiaXXI: o_O...
[07:46] kalmiaXXI: *blink*
[07:47] AZERAPHAEL0: He said that he's trying to get money together to buy a Nikon DSLR
[07:47] AZERAPHAEL0: Since he's a photographer and he wants to upgrade.
[07:47] kalmiaXXI: Yyyyyeah, I don't think dealers are usually hard-pressed to come up with money.
[07:48] AZERAPHAEL0: He invites me into his apartment (which I was totally hesitant about at first) to show me the camera
[07:48] AZERAPHAEL0: Then while I'm there, he's like "I collect cameras" and he showed me all these antique speedgraphers and box cameras.
[07:49] AZERAPHAEL0: Then he shows me a couple of framed pictures that he took
[07:49] kalmiaXXI: ... wow, he sounds like kind of a normal, cool guy, actually.
[07:49] AZERAPHAEL0: Except his one vice.
[07:49] AZERAPHAEL0: And I figured it out when I was in his apartment.
[07:49] kalmiaXXI: Hm?
[07:50] AZERAPHAEL0: In one spot, laying on an empty table, was a mirror.
[07:50] kalmiaXXI: :|
[07:50] AZERAPHAEL0: Which is how I came to the thought process earlier with my question
[07:51] AZERAPHAEL0: He's always hard pressed for cash.
[07:51] AZERAPHAEL0: He's hyper.
[07:51] AZERAPHAEL0: ALL THE TIME.
[07:51] AZERAPHAEL0: And he's awake during the most fucked up hours of the day and night.



Kind of tangential, but it adds up... I think.

Vandal hearts.





Things are slowly unraveling.

I was contemplating this morning, that when I go out to the grocery store I should take my longboard, since I haven't been using it much. I half-instinctively bailed at the last minute though because I seem to be causing problems with one of the muscles in my right calf.


That and it has been much colder at night than I figured.



I've crossed set-up Twitter and Facebook, just to sort of streamline Facebook updates (whatever little I have) via Twitter.


Also, I have a Twitter.



I've updated my sort-of to-do list. I need to remember that over the course of the day, to check and remove/add entries into it, or to refresh myself on what should be a priority. Also need to stop falling victim to the empty seduction of socializing needlessly.

It's Sunday.



I'm fighting a cold. There's a whole list of things I'm up against these days. Nothing spectacular--no fight of the century.




In a slow, subtle way, this job is pushing me closer to the edge of CRAZY. A 13 hour shift isn't the worst that I've done (15 was, I think, the longest I've done), yet the amount of walking that I need to do equals out to about 15km or so. I ask myself what it'd be like if I brought my longboard instead...



I should practice bass, and draw a bit more. I have another 12 hour tonight, and my supervisor is off the wall.

Life's awesome.

I only half-mean that sarcastically.



NO, NOT POST-IRONICALLY.



Beings are self-aware, obviously. I wonder if by virtue of a cyclical irony that when hipsters become self-aware about their irony and treat it in an ironic manner if it validates them or earns them the express lane to "never going to be taken seriously again."


Oh of course, though, that would mean that they'd get what they want, wouldn't it? Of course, when we never take them seriously then their creative efforts stay at the foray of "never going to be considered" and everyone wins.


Only because we hate hipsters.



Anyway, I've got the awesome shift of a 12 hour overnight on Halloween.
I'll pull this "noooo candy" number on one of the kids:



Nothing else is really going on. I have to focus my brain power on making money.

Macrocosmos.



I feel like in certain ways my direction is being set off-course by seemingly trivial matters. Generally, people say it's good to have a five-year plan--which I think is understandable. The thing is, in a digital age, with the rapid changes to society coming at an alarming rate, the shift of values and necessities seem to be rather short of 5 years. What we may have to offer, in a short amount of time, will probably not be in as much demand as we expect sometimes? I can't say for sure, I'm not an economist, nor do I know a whole lot about markets and trends. If anything, I'm just talking out my ass.

Awesome, right?


There are a lot of reasons for these massive shifts, I think. Maybe they all relate to dwindling resources and over-population though.



And for a while again, I get distracted...



The main point for myself is that I'm going to try and be more definite with myself, my actions, and my direction, and not get pulled about into distractions that take away from accomplishing my goals.


What does this mean, exactly? Probably not a whole lot right now. Just writing down what I want to be on a piece of paper and sticking it on the wall for now, I guess.

I'm the only person who isn't an idiot.



No. Wrong.




There's a lot going on right now that's amusing me. Kind of like schadenfreude, unfortunately, though. I wish I could explain it in detail, I really wish I could. But then, would I seem evil after that? It's amusing to me, when I see how things are going to turn out, when you can at least say aloud "I told you so" and be right, I suppose.



There's really no better feeling than being right, I figure.




Tired. Tired of a lot. The next coming months seem like they have the potential to be very interesting, though. I'll wait and see.

Toronto.


I haven't been downtown much lately. It's mainly because my schedule seems to have been largely adjusted thanks to work. Also my brain on a general level has been pretty vacuous lately.

I blame the cold weather.


For those of you who don't know, yet care (statistically improbable!), I have acquired a new level of connectivity in my life.


Yes, I finally caved and got a cellphone. The plan includes unlimited international text messaging, which is awesome.




I'm trying to be more eloquent and verbose these days, but I think I've dropped to something more minimalist lately. On top of that, I've been trying to get some shit together, but it's kind of difficult with the sleep schedule change.

Things on the Life To-Do List™:

1. Learn more Japanese.
2. Longboard more.
3. Continue research of work in Japan.
4. Research couch-surfing options.
6. Drink more cane sugar soda (Fuck you, HFCS)



Lately, I've been going through a lot of things in my head, life-goal wise. I've noticed that what was holding me back now was an odd mix of circumstance and laziness.

How, if I could explain it would be through some kind of Venn Diagram, where, say for two equally sized circles (or rather, for the sake of other's perceptions, one is much larger than the other), the part that overlaps between the one labeled "Laziness" and "Circumstance" my entire life was situated.

I've noticed lately, though, that although I'm not as far along to be entirely proud of, I'm at least somewhere. Which, when I think about it, is something both encouraging and disturbing. In examination, I've noticed that there isn't one Golden Rule to deciding these matters for myself.

Every time the matter of "WHAT AM I FUCKING DOING WITH MY LIFE" came up, someone would come up with some way to figure out how to get from point A to point B, flawlessly. Things like "Imagine what you'd be doing, and go backwards step-by-step to the point where you're at now" or "break down large ideas into smaller, more accomplish-able chunks and figure out the steps you need to do then and there."


I'm all over the map, mentally. I don't have as far as I thought I did.

Fortes fortuna juvat, or something like that.

Keys.


I scraped the back of my hand on a door at work, on top of giving my finger a blood blister on a sliding lock.


Work is great mostly because I can imagine the desolation. No life aside from myself--silence fills the air and the streets themselves are empty. Sort of, in a way, my mind takes over and suddenly, in all this hallow air, my heart aches.

It's cold, silent, still, and I'm the last person on Earth.


I could see my breath on the air, and it was kind a mix between drizzling and light snow. The coldest hour made me wish for a bed. In an odd way, as well. I've found that I dream in a physically needy way, I think. That when I want to sleep, I want to feel a warmth that can't be provided by a mere comforter or duvet.


How strange...


The Parking Enforcement Officer spoke in a weird Finnish accent, and she oddly thanked me when she finished handing out tickets. I guess because I had to sign for them.

Today is Canada's Thanksgiving, which is pretty well timed.... I think. Key points to my life so far are:

-My throat fucking hurts. I really don't get why.
-My dad goes in for surgery on Tuesday.
-I'm praying on my first paycheque arriving with no problems this Thursday (but with the luck in my life...)
-"Stop by sometime" is a better indication than I would like to think.
-HAIRCUT (although it's not much different)


Work has given me a nice and awkward sleep schedule, which really doesn't change how I interact with the world except for today where it feels like I had to be up early to do... nothing, since Thanksgiving is about food and food doesn't arrive for hours still.





There's probably a lot I could write about at the moment, in narratives or not, but it escapes me at the moment.

Earlier this morning my mechanical pencil ran out of lead. I was kind of agitated already (awkward day) and when my supervisor showed up, sat down at the desk, and just... sat there, I was kind of more agitated.

Lately, I think because of the circumstances in which I live, I've been too distracted by certain elements to the point where if I didn't catch things at the last moment, I would actually be "dropping the ball" at work.


Anyway, I'll scan and upload images when I feel like it. In the meantime, to occupy myself, I took photos during one of my patrols.


( Photo Essay--Repetitions Of The Mundane )

Earlier this morning, I got angry and yelled at my pen. It kind of pissed me off because it wasn't writing, and I hate being at work 20 minutes longer than I should.



Time at work has been very lonely for the most part. Last night a woman who spoke in a very thick eastern European accent and smelled like mouthwash told me her name but I didn't understand her. Another guy came down to the lobby asking if an "angry black woman" came through there earlier--apparently they were having a fight. I also saw a pair of skunks parading around outside at one point, and helped a raccoon out of a garbage bin since it couldn't get out on its own.

I have to go again tonight. I'm getting hung up on a lot of things, I know because there's nothing else to do. I think about the past more than I contemplate the future, and I know that's more dangerous than anything. I feel like sneezing.

I haven't been as free to talking lately as I used to be. Maybe in some ways it's because I don't think anyone's paying attention, or maybe it was a mistake to be like that before given how things have turned out in some regards (that's not vague).

There are some things I wish I could say.

Mistakes.

I think it's s general theme of my life. Mistakes are always made--somehow I just tend to focus on them more than others. I mean, you're supposed to learn from your mistakes, right?

Rhetorical question.





I want to sleep away the days. Spend nights in restaurants sipping tea and reading Murakami. Hoard my paycheques, and disappear to another land in a few months time. I need to learn a language, fight bureaucracy, and give away my possessions.


Been watching MTV's Downtown again. Brilliantly written and animated show. To bad it may die in obscurity.

Today I came to the conclusion that I don't know what I'm doing.





I'm laughing though. Work's pretty steady at the moment. There are things going on in other people's lives that are interesting--in some ways, hilarious, in other ways, depressing. I don't want to lose track of my long-term goals, but it's becoming easier and easier at times.



Lately I've just been feeling a mix of boredom and malice--which is kind of unhealthy. If I'm conscious of it, then I can restrain myself, attack the root problem, and deal with it.

Boredom. Boredom boredom boredom.

The thing is, it feels like nothing cool every happens. Maybe there's some small things, interesting things, that make you question just how interconnect the world is, but then... then it doesn't hold any interest, does it? It's the just a simple passing, something to which you go 'oh, I've never noticed that before. How interesting.' Then forget about it moments later, back into the mundane life.

I think in some ways, because of this, boredom is dangerous. I wonder if it's like some kind of disease instead. A kind of affliction. Or maybe it's how the devil really works!--gives you boredom, and tempts you with some king of malice to engineer some kind of event.